Published in The Other Muswell Hill Stuckist newspaper, December 2012.
STUCK NEAR TATE MODERN
1. We plan a radical unseating of Sir Nicholas Serota from his position as the king of crap.
2. We deplore Tate Modern’s snubbing of Sir Peter Blake, Charles Thomson, Billy Childish, Philip Absolon, Paul Harvey, Joe Machine, Ella Guru, Jenny Saville, Ken Howard, Fred Cuming, Bill Bowyer, Stuart Pearson Wright, John Keane, the Stuckists, The Brotherhood of Ruralists, The Federation of British Artists, Stuart Semple, Stella Vine, Jack Vettriano, Banksy and Beryl Cook.
3. We are looking forward to Tate Britain’s comprehensive overview of British art as promised by Dr. Stephen Deuchar in 2000.
4. If they must vandalise the entrance to Tate Britain with an East 17 lyric in tacky neon lights, we suggest ‘Don’t know what’s going on’ is more appropriate than ‘Everything is going to be alright’.
5. Turner Prize is an acronym for Tedious Unrepresentative Reactionary Neurotic Establishment Rubbish Perpetuated Robotically Indicating Zero Eminence.
6. Brian Sewell’s, Matthew Collings’ and Rachel Campbell-Johnston’s criticism of the great British painter, Damien Hirst, is fucking dreadful, laughable, and utterly derivative. Jonathan Jones’s dumbfoundness at Hirst’s denouncement of conceptual art leaves us dumbfounded.
7. Experienced dog walkers available. Reliable, dog-loving couple. £10 per hour. Muswell Hill area. Phone Edgeworth on 07xxxxxxxx5.
8. Stuckists that are stuck aren’t Stuckists.
9. The Stuckists demo 2 days a year, paint 363, and the press call us a ‘protest group’.
10. We call for all art establishments to cut all ties with BP. A company with such disregard for safety and the environment shouldn’t receive any endorsement, no matter how big their bribes are.
Edgeworth Johnstone, Shelley Li
with the Stuckist Bureau of Information. Official date of issue: 30 June 2010.